to myself [29 Apr 2007|07:11pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Do you ever wonder why you stay in a relationship when you don't even know if you truely like them? Or maybe it's because you thought that you liked them and discovered you don't? But once they leave you, you feel depressed and then always are thinking about them... does that prove to you now that they're gone you did like them? All of this just confuses me... it makes me think.... think whether or not I should be in my relationship w/ andre or not. He barely sees me and never spends time with me.. it's becoming like all my other relationships where when the only time we see one another all we do is have sex..... I can't be having this... I want more than sex!!! I want someone who cares about me.... I want a real man. I want a working man who gets things done and works hard to keep me stable along with himself. I want him to love me and care for me. I want him to take me places and be the driver.... I want to hang out not just come over to sleep....... I want him to just kiss me on my lips and forehead for no reason except that he wants to touch me and show he cares as well... I want him to hold me and comfort me when I need it... not just when no one is around or when he feels like it. I need someone who will be deserving of my love, care, tenderness, devotion, honesty, integrity, humor, friendliness and above all my heart. I need someone who can't go a day without hearing my voice and if they can't hear it then they are listening to a saved voicemail or calling my cell listening to the message and leaving me a message about how they just needed the comfort of my voice to soothe them enough to sleep or finish their day. I want someone who can do this and more for me. I want them to not necessarily chase me, but want more of me each time they see me. And to continuously have endless possibilities of what they can ask me about my life or find out about my life. I need a man who understands my past and accepts me flaws and all... I'm not perfect and I know this, but accept my flaws and love me for them. I want someone who doesn't judge me and can joke and play and have fun together, not have everything serious. On the flipside, they still have to be able to be serious when the time comes or else I'm gone. I need to start proving to these men that when they think I'd do anything for them, that I won't. I will leave.... so don't take things for granted, especially me. I'm one of a kind... you can't find another me. I'm independent, but I need someone else to be there by my side to live with me. I want to live life with someone else, not alone. He must never be rude and disrespectful of me or my friends. I have to have time with my friends to go out and have fun. I was friends with them before you came and I'll be friends with them after you're gone so that will never change and don't even attempt to change it. I need a man who lives close and will see me everyday and anytime they have a chance to. I need a man who makes the effort to see me when I can't go to him... It's a two-way street people..... get used to it. I need a man whom I can help follow his dreams while he helps me follow mine. I need their support in my decisions. I want him to spend as much time with me as possible because you never know when the time will come around when I won't be there anymore.... even if you have to work early or anything... if they can lay next to me until then or I can lay with them till they have to leave and then I go back to sleep... I don't care... I just want to have that time with you... I want my man to be like that.... they need to want to spend the time with me and it shouldn't be like pulling teeth... it's not working like that anymore.... it's time for me to have a man who goes for me.... no more miss nice girl... I've gotta have this man who can put me first more than once or twice a month. Their work and everything else is not coming first when it's volunteer... When you make the commitment to a female you have to spend the time with them.... bottom line. it's not called a relationship when you see each twice a week and sleep together once a month.... that is a friendship... not even... it's nothing but maybe an ongoing fling....not a relationship. But I need this man who can help me, give me what I need, and love me for me. I deserve better... BOTTOM LINE... Back to the beginning, if you are not sure about someone and don't know what to do.. let it go. Let it all go... and move.. move on with your heart. If he cannot realize that he needs to do some of these things, then he's not worth of having you nor your love. You should never be in a relationship if any of these thoughts go through your head....it's just not meant to be. Females with these thoughts, you've gotta let things go.... keep going... you deserve better. Don't dwell on now or the past or try to predict your future after you and him are over. It'll be okay. Don't think the millions of "What if....." questions that ruin you and bring you down.... You come before anyone else. So, go get what you deserve..... Leave Love

Worst Day Ever... [24 Mar 2007|09:37pm] [ mood | distressed ] Well just when everything I thought was terrible with my life things just get worse. I never thought that God would ever do this to me. Well I just finished paying a TONN of money to my car to get it fixed and my check engine light came on again. Then today my check engine light came on and it did the same thing with bucking. It isn't right and I dont know why. I brought it to the shop and they still can't find out what it is. I went to the mall today w/ Carmen whom I work with and her baby carlos aka the pulguita and we stopped by the shop to test drive my car cause it was acting up and it didn't work because my car stopped acting up when I got there. So I'm on the way to bring carmen to work on arch street. There are 2 cars in front of me.... the leading one FORGETSSSSSSSSS his blinker and the sun is glaring so you can't see his brakes that he put on to turn left and the car right in front of me swerves into the sidewalk on the right. I slam on my brakes and the car turning left turns into traffic so the car turning into the sidewalk just barely missed him. I had to either hit the guy who turned into the sidewalk or into oncoming traffic. I ran into the car infront of me. I felt sooo bad because I have the baby with me and everything. I smashed the whole front end in. The hood is all bent and both headlights are broken. My radiator broke and I need a new radiator, headlights, and hood. Then my car will be fixed. I can't believe that it happened. It was so sunny but the officer didn't give me a ticket or a warning or anything... he just said that it wasn't my fault the guy using his blinker was at fault but I was the one who'd pay for it since I hit the guy in front of me. The only thing wrong w/ the guy's car whom I hit, was the muffler broke off and was dangling down. His car was fine b/c it was a subaru suv... i went right underneath him. that is why my bumper is fine and my hood got hit. But Yea... so I bumped my head really really hard on the steering wheel and have a huge bump and red spot on my head... but I told them I was fine and didn't need anything. The other guy was fine and told them he wasn't and is just trying to get me for all I'm worth.... he's sooo gay. Well anyways.... yea... the worst day EVER! I have no money because I spent it at the mall all before teh accident.... I couldn't believe it but all I know is that I'm glad carmen and the baby are fine. My head and neck are in their fair share of pain... but I'm just sucking it up. Andre my boyfriend doesn't even care. I called him crying and everything... and he wasn't even at work and didn't come see me. it happened at 2:00pm in Hamden, CT. I couldn't believe everything that happened... it was terrible. Andre still hasn't called me and I asked him to come over and he's like yea I can... but says it like its a chore for him to do it. He really made me mad becuase if I was dating someone for like 4 months... I would want to go see them and male sure they're ok if I didnt have anything else to do. He was not busy nor working but still nothing. He just IMed me and told me he was going to shower n stuff and head over but I mean, it's like 10:00pm. He waited this long to come see me.... is it really worth it? Does he even care?!?!?! I'm not even quite sure... all I know but this just proves alot to me. I am going to talk to him about things and it shows me how much he really cares about me... Since he didn't show up when I could've been dying.... he obviously doesn't care.....& tonight may be the night that I break everything off with him. It could be the end of our lil relationship.....but we'll see... I can't remember what i was writing about before that i said would be continued.. but now it's going to be continued much later.... ttyl... and this is an entry to never forget..... **tears run down my cheeks from the sides of both eyes** Gotta be up at 6am to get to work tomorrow.... thank god its getting nicer out so I wont be freezing walking to work.... :-( Leave Love

okay.. so for real.. I'm gonna keep up with this thing... [15 Mar 2007|06:39pm] [ mood | bitchy ] Okay here it goes... I'm going to start pouring out my feelins here. I can't take it and I just wanna tell someone but I can't. So let me start with my life... I mean it's been wonderful ..NOT!! I just spent a tonnnn of money on my car and I have to spend more money on everythign else. I can't take it! Well Anyways... I'm getting and apt. alone and I still haven't told Alexis.. I have to tell her that I can't get an apt. together... I can't do it.. I can't deal with her. I have to deal with her always being about her boyfriend and then just having everything about her. She'll do anything for him.. ANYTHING... if he told her to die I swear she would. She's just not a strong individual. She gets everythign she wants from her parents and when she needs something she'll get it. I wish that I could do that and I dont think that its fair for me to have to pay for an apt. that my roomate wouldnt have to pay for. All I hear about is her and her problems. She's always complaining about her back and she wants me to help her with her shit and to leave on break but NOOO when I was dying over surgery she didn't pay any attention to me. I'm too nice of a person... I can't do that. I can't be taken advantage of. I just want to tell her everythign and I hate how I hear about her and evan allll the time... & their stupid names and how she changes her voice COMPLETELY when she talks to him!! What the hell.. heknows that in person you dont talk like that and it's certainly not cute so why the hell do you do it. I mean everything is a one way street for her. If I wanna gdo something she'll never come but if she wants to do something and I start to say no she throws a fit. If she's ready to go and I'm not she always leaves without me... but when I wanna go and she's not ready I never leave.. I should. I should start to not be nice. I can't take it. I hate it. I just want to live alone and wait till I find someone who can fulfill my needs... I just need some alone time. I want someone to love and someone who will take care of me and be there for me. I want someone who will be able to be there for me and be my best friend. I still just haven't been able to find someone whom I can handle who is at the same level as me. With Alexis it seems as though everythign is about money and if nit's oh my parents or my mom will get it for me... honestly... STOP! I don't wanna be hearing that bullshit but NOOO she would never understand that. I never have money and I pull it off well. But her.. she has money, doesn't like to show it off all the time but then when anything I mention about money.. BAMMM outt goes the whole thing about holding it in... It comes out.. ALLL OUTTT!! She can't hold in things like me. She can't brush something aside... If someone says something about her she's pissed but she is allowed to go ahead and talk shit about everyone else as much as she wants. She feels as though she has more class than everyone else around... She tries to show off her money as much as possible when it comes to designer names... she has to have them. Anyways...away fromm girl problems.... and onto guy ones. OK, so I have a boyfriend... I like him, I do. But there is so many things that I can't handle. he's always working which I love a working man but I can't take it when there is no time for me. I am not being selfish but a girl needs some time. I love to talk to him when he can hold a real conversation.. and I finaly found out that eh was married before he was with me after dating for only a few months!!! I am only the second white girl he's dated and I just don't know. he never got me anything for valentines day and didn't even call me... who does that!!! Well whatever.. it was our first tiff and I had to let it slide.. and he's always real protective oof me but wont get close to me because I'm a college girl and he thinks that all college girls cheat... I dont get it. He finally stays over one night a week. I mean when you work alot I know you get tired. I understand that you will just want to go to sleep but you have to amke time for me. He's always buying things for himself... ALWAYS! He never stops yet can't buy me hardly anything. I got a pair of shoes for a whole $70 and I spent double the money on him!!!& I got him a card for valentine's day but nooooo nothing else from him. He claims that he has stuff for me for valentines day but I kno that it was all a lie... but whatever... it'll be what it is. but I'll write more to you about everything later.. he's here to hang out with me now so I have to attend... but there is plenty more believe meee!! Continue more later... Leave Love

[01 Sep 2006|12:27am] [ mood | energetic ] Well well well..... things are finally coming together... the cougar is like done and all mine!!! that is just amazing in ad of itself... but today was my last day at Home depot before I transfer... I am soo happy.. people there really liked me because i got lunch bought out for me and a vase full of flowers and a card signed by everyone and a hat from the Behr vendor that I've been waiting for all summer.... then I got tons of hugs from everyone... that was all very sweet.... and I got to talk to my baby today twice and he's callin me agian tonight.... i cant wait.... I just wanna be back at school like now!!! But I thought that I would fill you in on a few things.... but ttyl!!! Leave Love

officially hatin life [14 Aug 2006|09:34pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Okay.l.. so everyone knows how I had my like ughhh gross surgery on my tonsils n stuff in may... well ther ethey told me that I would never get strep throat again adn all this stuff..... THEY ARE WRONG!!!!!! Just a wee 3 months later here I am struggling w/ a killin throat becuase I have strep again...... it sucks more than life... plus talk all day long at work which makes everything about a million times worse... oh well I just have to think of it as only 5 days of this irritating pain. BTW!!!!!!! OMG I have to tell you this... so I went to six flags the other day with this kid that i kinda like..... he's sooo nice n everything but he didn't really prove to me he liked me but he woudl say it... well the proof is here!!!! Lemme tell all..... *I get down there and wait forverrrrrrrrr... then I yell at him for being so late and he apologizes. *he rides with e all the way to six flags... then when we got out it had just finished raining so we ran through puddles together and had a lil fun playing around..... *we went on all the scary roler coasters and screamed our asses off.... he wasnt even afraid to be a wossse in front of me. *We waited in like nad he held me from the back and just massaged my shsoulders every once n a while... * He kissed me in line on the forehead and lips but nothing too intimate.... just cute.... *Then the day was over and he asked me if I wanted a piggy back ride so that my feet wouldn't get wet since they were dry ni was driving... so he gave meone.... * PS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He grabbed for my hand and put his arm around me like a couple the whole day at the park!!! eheheheh Then to top everything off he ordered us some dinner and he paid... I was quite happy... He made me call him to make sure i drove the 3.5 hrs drive back home ok.. then called me later that night sayig how he wouldnt be able to sleep very well that night because I would not be there with him..... now after all that how can you let that just go... he really proved to me that he likes me and he mentioned about getting an apt. near me or with me so that he would have to have the basement anymore! Well I'm gonna see what goes on and go from there.... hehe.. I'm happy now!!!..... well maybe.. I'll let you kno if anything else happens :-) Leave Love

outta control [29 Jul 2006|07:48pm] [ mood | stressed ] well well well.... lemme see where to start. Anyways, my parents are finally getting their official divorce and the father has no idea... once this shit goes down that means that I am out the door along with her... and everything between me and him as far as like a car in his name and everything is gone from me... done. I am sooo stressed because now my mom is re-thinking everything that she doesn't want the divorce.... I have been looking into things for myself. I have researched storage and everything... I'm leaving. I just can't hold up under this stress that I have. I have no one to talk to about everything and when I do all I can do is tear up and hold it all in. I really should not be keeping everything in because it kills me even more. Oh well, what can you do. I am finally fed up. All I feel taht io can do lately is just break down. So I have had the shittyest year of my life. I hate 2006 with all my life. As soon as it started I had my appendix out then I had my intestines worked on then I was sick forever and mysterious had another emergency curgery to get my adnoids and tonsils out because I couldn't breathe and now I have pre-cancer... waht the fukkkkk!!! I can't take this shit. And my parents are divorcing and I'm trying to fix my credit that my school loans fucked up. That is a whole tons of shit that I have had to deal with. A girl whose only 19 almost 20 should enver have to put up with all this bullshit. It is wayyy too stressful to take. I work a full and a part time job and go to school full time. What the hell am I going to do. I cant even put myself into words... that is how much of a wreck I am inside... it's wsoo fucked up inside my head n body that I dont kno waht to do but be angry and upset ut try to cover it and not show it because I dont have time for breakdown. I need every little bit that I can get. I just really wana start a whole new life. I just wanna get away formmy parents and just be out on my own.. I wanna get outa school and just be in the workin g world with my own place and someone whom I can share things with. Right now I think that I need a male in my life but that is just not happening. Possibly if I was in CT or at school for the summer than I could have found someone. But now that I think about it I would never be able to let myself open up to teh stresses that are going through my life... I could never let loose all the information in my head that has been so close to me and never let loose before. I look at all the guys and everything that I was during this past year and I hate it. I mena i hate it but I learned from it and am a new person.... I have grown more than I think that a persona should in a year. I feel as though I am a full time adult now and I'm not even 20 years old. That is another thing that makes me think. I was thinkin and another stress if males. All they do is stress people out... that is it! but yea.. Jamar and me are over.. nothing.... what I thought was completely correct. He was gone on vacation to se another girl and that whole thing went down and since then i have been completely ignored. i mean nothing!!! but oh well i just told him flat out that I cant take it when people lie to me.. that is the number one thing that bothers me. I was lied to my whole life by everyone and I just wont take it anymore.... but yea.. i'm so stressed that.....ughh... I just cant take anything anymore! I'm done!!!! Leave Love

[10 Jul 2006|07:48pm] [ mood | busy ] Oh wow... it's been a long ass time. I have been working like madd crazy! I need the money soooo bad. Anyways.....Yea. So I have been up to nothing. I am sooo busy that I barely get to get everything I need done. Well I got a new cell phone!!! I absolutely love it!!! It's sooo cute & has sooooo much for features! but I can't even think of things to tell you even though there are prob. about a million... but I can't wait ill I go to CT on friday night!!! :-) Leave Love

[25 Jun 2006|07:57pm] [ mood | creative ] WOW... so much has gone by and it feels like nothing. I have been really mixed about everything. I finished my first year of college successfully!!! I got an average of a 3.0 which is pretty good! I am somewhat proud of myself. I still wish that I had done better though. I will always think that though... it is like my instinct to do the best, go for that A+. I had a diff. year because I was soo ill the whole time and the whole friends situation but I believe that this comin year will be much better for a few reasons. I already know who are and aren't my friends at school. I wont have to deal with that that b.s. and I can focus. Also Alexis will be calmed down a bit because she will have already lived on campus and she now knows the life. I also will be better because I will be in perfectly normal health. That is going to be amazing right there. The last thing is the biggest thing though. My parents will be divorced. It's going to be stressful because I will be working and not seeing any of the money I make because it'll be going all to my mom for the rent and storage. I also am not 100% positive if I will be able to have a car on campus or not. I am praying that I will because I need one down there if I am going to be having a job. I am excited that my parents are divorcing. I am spending about half my week sometimes more at Mel's house which is AMAZING! I love livin there and I wish that I never had to go back here. It will be just like that shortly. Me and Mel have everything in her room all planneed out and its gonna be like an apartment in her room for the two of us!!! hehe... I can't wait. It's been kinda shitty lately too. I have been sad cuz Mel has been sick and there is nothing tht I can really do to help. I am really proud of her though because she broke down and went to the Doctors. This girl never goes to the dr. so that is a great improvement. I can't wait till she is all better. Ashley has moved down to Manchester to live with Megan a girl from her school. She really likes it there but she still has no job. She really needs to get one. I have been workin like unbelieveable hours!! I work more than 40 hours a week which is good because i really need money. I'm sooo poor. I hate not havin money. I have to save tons for school. Besides workin I have been spending my time talking to a few people and trying my hardest to stay in touh with my friends. I def. miss them all!!! Now onto the whole guy situation. To begin......... Diano asked me to go to MD with him right near where Jason lives. That would be fun to go down and visit him but things just aren't the same between the two of us anymore. They have changed soooooo very much. I just dont kno. I call him a bunch of times but will I ever hear from him again???? NOPEEE. He never talks to me. That makes matters worse. I only wanna putmy feelings into words but I can't do it cuz they're all inside. Anyways, I have also been talking to Jamar in TX. I would have to say that he's the best thing that has happened to me!!!! He's sooo sweet and says things to me that no one else has ever told me or said that they would do for me. It's just plain sweet. We talk for like hours everynight and we still dont get sick of each other. I am supposed to go down there and see him but that is not going to be happening because I have no money to do it. Well He's sooo nice. i can't even describe it....he's just not like most guys whom I talk to. I think that I kinda like him but things will def. be comfirmed when i go down to texas to visit. I just cannot wait!!! Oh and you should remember about the kid Elite that I met with ashley and megan. Well we got in that huge fight n stuff but he writes me on myspace allllll the time!!! He is like "oh I find myself thinking about you..... I miss you....Are you going to come down here and visit me?" All that b.s. stuff. I kinda believed it at first but I cannot trust him after what weve been through. Well I write him back but not daily.... and last but not least.... MARVIN. I dont even know where to start with him. Me and him used to really like one another but we never really knew each other. Well he would talk to me then we got in a fight and he started dating this german girl. Shes a real bitch to me. I hate her. Anyways, marvin too. He wont even say hello if he sees me and nothing at all.... he ignores me. Well she hates me becuase he still calls me and talks to me and still likes me. He told her how in love he was with me then she was pissed. She knows that he likes her but not as much as me but she still stays with him. Oh well. he's working on trying to get into the NFL so who knows what will happem. I will find out eventually. I hate how he tries to turn things around and put them on me. That is the thing that pisses me off. But oh well, we'll see what happens. I have thought about things lately and I kno that in my heart I finally want someone who will treat me with the respect that I deserve and that I Jamar. Marvin told me that he wanted to talk to me and take me out to dinner one night and treat me like a lady, not like he always treats me. I have to get things outta my head and open my eyes and go for the ones that you know you deserve and I need to never lower my standards for anything..... Enough of my issues but this is where they gotta go so I wont get in trouble for talkin or ranting and ravin about things where others hear and start rumors. I dont want that to happen so I use you to let things out... <3 Leave Love

[07 Jun 2006|06:12pm] [ mood | cranky ] Well the semester is over and I am now working a whole bunch. I still think that I am going to have to get a second job since the whole money situation is not going too well. I hate not having any credit!!!!!! I can't have people help me get loans and I can't get ehm myself... what the hell am I supposed to do!?!?! Anyways, we got our final grades for the spring semester. I did very well for my condition that I was in to take my finals. There is only one issue. I got an incomplete for my history class becuase he never wrote down a grade for my second test and never noticed until after I had already left campus and been home for about 4 days. That is absolutely rediculous. He made the mistake and he asked me to send him proof. I threw away everything when I was still back at school. I don't have my test! So I have to wait and see what he wants to do about that. it's crazy that he didn't even notice that there was a missing grade before I took the final!!! soooo gaaayyyyyy! but I have been trying to work that out and save as much money as possible. I have to save money so that I can go to TX this summer. I cannnot wait for some nice weather so that it does feel like it is summer. but ta ta for now!!!! Leave Love

yeah yeah yeah [25 May 2006|10:02am] [ mood | hopeful ] Okay so here it goes...... I've been home since late Friday night and everything is unpacked and all put away. I'm happy that that stuff is all done. the thing that I can't stand is that the day I got home to my house I already fought with my parents. You haven'ts een them in about 3 months and all they can do wtih you is fight.... there is something wrong with that. ANyways.... I just brished it off but I can't move in with Mel until I hvae the car in my name..... which wont happen for a lil bit so who knows... I am starting work tomorrow which is nice and also I am going to be housesitting with fred at Nikki's house. I cannot believe that!! I haven't talked to her in like 3 years and I'm going to their house?!?! Oh well I'm getting paid for it so that is all that counts. Things have been stressful here with the fam. I'm ready to leave. I def. Miss the people back at school. We always had sooo much fun!!! buttttttt there is some good news!!!!! I've beent alking to this kid from TX and he's soooo sweet!! not only that but he's def. VERYYY good looking which is a hugeee plus. He's sooo sweet and we talk like all the time which is nice. He's one of the only people whom I can have a conversation with and it's not all arguing. We'll see what happens when I go down there this summer hopefully. So i looked into tickets to go see chris and everything but it sooo expansive!! I never thought that it was going ot be like 600 for the plane tickets!!! And then i have to have spending money on top of that..... it's too much for a college student. If I go see my bro then he can go to the other side of TX to come see me. I feel really bad but I just can't spend that kidna money......I hope that this summer is a great one.... <3333 1 Loved Me // Leave Love

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]